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Walking into AD79 BorneoPost Online | Borneo , Malaysia, Sarawak Daily News » thesundaypost - New 2 Borneo


Walking into AD79

Posted: 25 Jan 2014 11:56 AM PST

In South Italy, Phyllis Wong comes face to face with how the Romans of the first century lived and is awed

I WAS caught somewhat unprepared for my trip to Italy due to a mess up of the travelling date on my part even though all arrangements had been made one month in advance.

My flight from Kuala Lumpur to Dubai enroute to Rome on Emirates Airlines was on Jan 6 at 01:10 hours. I mistook it to mean I should fly out from Kuching on Jan 6 at 8pm.

Lo and behold, on Jan 4 night (Saturday), as I was checking my Kuching-Kuala Lumpur sector online, I suddenly realised I should be travelling to KL the next day (Jan 5) – not on Jan 6.

It would have been quite a panic had I not kept my packing list in order. My travelling schedule was out of kilter but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed … thankfully.

There were a few things I had to do in the office on Monday – only that now, I had to do them on board the aircraft. So that put paid to my plan to read the itinerary and get to know a little of the places I would be visiting.

But it was not all downhill as Emirates' country manager had upgraded my seat to business class all the way. Travelling in complete luxury on a holiday trip wasn't what I had expected but life can sometimes throw up a pleasant surprise or two! And I am grateful.

Come to think of it, who needed to read the itinerary when there were movies to watch, a mini-bar beside your seat on top of the generous space, privacy and sumptuous food on board?

Twenty hours from airport to airport, I arrived at Rome fully pampered by Emirates and excited but not knowing fully what to expect (I wished I had read the itinerary) as a first time visitor to a country steeped in history and famous for elegance, operas, cultures, arts, Ferrari and Andrea Bocelli.

But after a beautiful welcoming dinner at Le Terme Del Colosseo, a restaurant in a 15th century building, amidst beautiful love songs and great food, I was settled for the days ahead.

A visit to Rome would not be complete without a shopping spree. We stopped at a designer outlet with an impressive array of shops selling all types of designer brands.

Not a Prada person – as are my Malaysian fellow journalists on the same trip – we each settled for a cooking pot and some sportswear which were a lot cheaper than in Malaysia.

A shopping trip does tell a lot about the economy of a country. From my observations, Singaporeans are surely all Prada'd and the Filipinos are fantastic shoppers but it appears very difficult to make those from India, Malaysia and China take out and open their wallets.

One Filipina whispered to me: "We are poor but shopping is a disease. No matter what, we still shop."

Shopping is a disease – quite a statement, wouldn't you agree.

We drove to Sorrento – a journey of breathtaking scenery. Our first stop was Pompeii, a Unesco Heritage Site.

Pompeii is the only place in the world where you can walk into the daily lives of First Century AD Romans. Their high-society life is evidenced by relics such as magnificent amphitheatres, SPAs (ancient public baths), health clubs, gyms, dwellings of the ordinary people, restaurants, take-away counters – and brothels, yes, brothels!

Did Pompeii, located near Naples in Southern Italy, freeze in time? No, the eruption of volcanic Mount Vesuvius devastated mad Emperor Nero's favourite city nearly 2,000 years ago in 79AD but the ashes and rocks have helped preserve many of the buildings in almost their original state.

Walking in the city provides an insightful peek into the daily life during Roman times. Pompeii has been a Unesco heritage site since 1997 and is the best preserved ancient Roman site in the world.

When I was young, I had always been fascinated by detective novels. So picking up Roman mystery story books, written by Caroline Lawrence for children some 10 years back as an adult, was essentially reliving the fantasies of some of my childhood heroes.

It was such a thrill to remember the four young heroes caught in the cataclysm of 79AD as I sauntered along the high pavements, hopping across the road on stepping stones, peering at the ruts made by generations of Roman carts.

I consider myself very blessed for being able to see the vivid depictions of Roman civilisation through Caroline Lawrence's eyes!

For a while, I did imagine myself as Nubia, the African slave girl, while my fellow Malaysian journalists were Flavia, the rich Roman girl, Jonathan, the kind Christian boy and Lupus, the mute beggar boy, as I tried piecing together how the Romans had lived and died.

We entered a room where some "dead bodies" are displayed – mostly curled up. The tourist guide Enrico was quick to clarify: "These are not real bodies but plaster casts."

What happened was in excavating the volcano-ravaged city, workers found human-shaped pockets of air where human bodies had rotted away but the surrounding solidified deposits had kept their original forms.

A hardening foam was injected into a hole of the cast and the body in the cast was pulled out in its exact final death shape.

There are 700 of these "dead bodies" in and around the ruins. It was like seeing how Pompeians had met their end – crouching in terror, some burying their heads in their hands, clinging to each other – even their facial expressions are preserved!

It was hard not to ask whether there was any signal or warning that the volcano was going to erupt? If so, why hadn't these people abandoned the city and escaped?

No, Enrico said, it was not without warning. Most of the population – perhaps more than 17,000 out of the original 20,000 – had escaped.

"If you think the houses here look under furnished, the best answer is the 17,000 had loaded their best possessions and escaped before the eruption," he reasoned.

So, those who insisted on staying would be the poor, the sick and the overly optimistic, I assumed. They sat, walked and worked to death. What cruelty, how tragic!

Pompeii is huge – it's endless walking, ruins after ruins, houses after houses. So, it's important to have a guide to show you what are the sights to see, and a good pair of walking shoes certainly helps.

Our group of 28 journalists and tour operators from Asia were fortunate to have Trafalgar, the expert in Europe tours, that knows Europe inside out, to literally "talk into our ears" with each of us holding on to a radio with earphones plugged in all through the walk.

There are a few "must-see" sights. Naturally, we were interested in the brothels – yes, brothels.

There are 35 of them but Enrico told us – with much humour – he would only show 34 of them to us. Actually, the numbers differ – from five to 35.

We entered one brothel, probably the most-visited building at the site, consisting of five poky cubicles with some explicit erotic paintings and graffiti possibly from "happy customers."

Someone in the group playfully "acted" out the life of a prostitute in one of the rooms beside a small short stone bed while another man whispered:

"How many times do you get the chance to walk into such a red light district of antiquity in the name of history and take pictures of one other in the name of tourism without being questioned by your spouse?"

Who actually said that? A Malaysian, Indian or Filipino in our group or was it the participant from China? Incidentally, there was no male participant from Singapore. Make a guess – I really can't let on in the name of protecting my source.

In another instance, Enrico finally divulged – after relentless drilling from the curious journalists in our group – the "erotic word" in Italian that sounds and reads like Pompeii. Yes, it was like a "press conference" where the journalists pressed for an answer.

Do you know what Roman bathing was like in AD79? There were nicely decorated rooms for a good steam with, surprisingly, rooms for males and females and even a gym. The men's section were considerably better furnished than the women's.

How do you tell the men and the women's sections apart?  Enrico revealed some combs, male toiletries and a couple of dirty books in the former but later admitted the dirty books were imagined, not recorded.

So, the Sabina Baths is the next interesting place that you must see.

There is then the beautiful theatre – the earliest amphitheatre to be preserved anywhere in the world. I sat in awe of the moment, imagining how the Romans acted in skits and created characters –and how on some beautiful evenings, Roman ladies, dressed in their best, would watch the shows.

The best preserved private house is called The house of tragic poet which displays a Beware of Dog mosaic at its entrance.

It's really not a thing of our times. I always wondered about the chronological age of the sign when I saw it displayed at the entrance of houses – a warning dating back to AD79.

As I dreamily hopped across the stepping stones, I was rudely brought back to our time by election slogans painted on the walls by hopeful Roman candidates for high office, with Mount Vesuvius, the still active volcano, looming over the Bay of Naples.

No qualms about it. Pompeii is unforgettable.

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Miri needs better children’s playground

Posted: 25 Jan 2014 11:50 AM PST

by Chang Yi, reporters@theborneopost.com. Posted on January 26, 2014, Sunday

ONE of single mum Anna's favourite activities is taking her two kids cycling in a park.

So it's always good to see her taking two small bicycles out of her van and her children helping her at Luak Esplanade in Miri.

The only problem is that the place is not ideal for cycling.

The car parks at the Esplanade are partially used by hawkers for their goring goring business. There are very few park benches and children have to be careful moving around on their own.

The Esplanade is crowded on Saturdays and Sundays. It's the only council-maintained leisure walkway — with some mediocre toilet facilities.

There are other recreational venues such as the Piasau Boat Club but it's for members only; the Beach Republic which is open to public but has no biking tracks; the former Taman Selera in Brighton which is almost gone for good and Hicks Bay which has been "obliterated."

Hicks Bay used to be a heaven for students who would go there during weekends to catch some free seafood — with their equally poor teachers.

And lastly, the Bulatan Park is for jogging only.

Anna said: "I live nearby and this is the best I can do for my children on a public holiday. It's quiet in the morning. Saturday afternoons are too crowded and my children cannot find the space to cycle at all."

As for older kids, they do not depend on their parents to help them find a place to cycle. They can group together and cycle to their favourite places.

Mirian businesswoman Hani Chow, who has many nephews and nieces, said: "Kids often come up with good ideas for having fun — if they are positive about themselves.

"Those in a communicative group can have the best fun possible – like making music, rolling some old tyres down the road, aiming and striking at a few marbles or even linking hundreds of rubber bands to make a jumping rope."

Hani herself grew up in Sibuti where her parents had a small farm.

Lots to say

A group of kampung boys pedalling old bicycles at the Esplanade had plenty to say.

For Ahmad Azzizzi (the oldest at 16), holidays in Miri for those who cannot afford to travel mean going down to the beach in Luak Bay or Batu Satu after Lutong or Lambir National Park — if they have a car.

"Many ordinary people work, so kids like us have to find ways to entertain ourselves," he reckoned.

Ahmad and his friends from the kampungs along Bakam Road, adjacent to the Luak Bay, enjoy riding old recycled bicycles.

Occasionally, people can also see Luak Bay kampung kids playing on the beach or jumping about under the casuarinas near the Esplanade.

According to Ahmad, many families have moved away from the old Luak Bay kampungs to Lopeng Baru because of development.

One generation ago, during his grandfather's time, all the children used Luak Bay as their playground.

His father's generation have mainly moved to government quarters or are working elsewhere. His own father is a private company driver.

Mohammad, another boy from the group, asked: "Is there a place we can demonstrate our biking skills? We like to be performers and do acrobatics. We watched the 2013 Spring Gala on CCTV. Really awesome tricks."

On one wheel

Yet another boy said he is happy to have found a "very old bicycle" which his father had helped him to "fashion."

After learning to ride the bicycle on one wheel, he said: "I feel like riding a rearing horse. I'm doing a circus act."

Some of the boys demonstrated their skills of riding single-wheel into the car park. It's a pity they do not have a bike park for their morning practice!

On reflection though, these boys were riding helmetless.

A helmet, according to a shopowner in Miri city, can cost up to RM100 apiece.

"Most people in Miri can't afford to spend that kind of money," he pointed out.

A cycling enthusiast said for children wishing to learn more about cycling and doing cycling tricks, there should be a learning area in the city for them.

"Tarmac allows a child to speed along, aiding balance, but tarmac is not soft. Unfortunately, most parks in Miri do not allow cycling."

A popular Miri tennis coach, Francis Wong, also a retired teacher, used to cycle to school in Tanjong Lobang from Pujut everyday until he finished Form Six.

On reaching the Tanjong Hill, he had to push his bicycle up the hill. It was a 10km ride to and fro! It's no wonder he has such strong legs today. At 66 now, he still continues to play and coaches tennis on a daily basis.

Useful tips

Here, are some of his cycling tips:

  • PROTECTION: Suitable gloves must be used by beginners as well as veterans to prevent common injuries like grazed hands. Wrist guards and elbow and knee pads are useful options. Helmets should fit snugly and the straps should be done up tightly.
  • EYES IN FRONT: Don't look up or down, or back when bicycling. Always look at the direction you are going.
  • WATER: Always carry a bottle of water when cycling in Miri. On a hot day, one can easily suffer from dehydration. Always wear suitable attires and have some reflective stripes, especially at night.
  • NIGHT RIDING: Suitable apparels are helpful when riding at night which is not really a good time to ride. But then sometimes, it's the only time available because most people are busy during the day. That's why there should be cycling circuits for night riding.

Leong Kooi Hoong, lecturer at Kolej Bandar Utama, Kuala Lumpur, now holidaying in Miri, remembers the good times he and his schoolmates enjoyed cycling to school and meeting up after school.

A bike was a precious possession back then. He suggests that every town and city should have a park where kids can enjoy biking.

"A bicycle helps a child to be responsible for a possession that's more than just a toy. It helps the child form good relationships with others as well as peer groups and build happy memories.

"The togetherness will bring a lot of joy to the child when he grows up. There is a lot of freedom in cycling to the outskirts without depending on parents spending on petrol or bus fares. Furthermore, cycling is a good living skill," he explained.

Cycling at night

Tommy Wong of Kuching enjoys night cycling. In fact, he has always enjoyed cycling but nowadays advises friends to take up cycling because it's one of the best physiotherapies for osteoarthritis which is the reason why he is so keen on cycling.

He joined Kuching Nite Riders just before Christmas for an easy 35km ride on Tuesdays and Thursdays — from 8pm to before 9.30pm.

His bike dates back to his Sumatra days in the mid-90s — and so is obviously a 5kg handicap.

He is looking for a lightweight bicycle but believes he may have to invest some money in such a model.

Gloria Larry, a marketting personnel, enjoys cycling in Shah Alam. She was a sportsgirl in school.

"Biking is really a vehicle of independence, giving children the confidence to explore their neighborhoods and meet friends," she said.

Nowadays, biking takes her away from the computer and improves her physical fitness in an outdoor setting.

She admitted she used to be "very clumsy and a little overweight."

"Biking is not only a huge calories burner but also a great way to develop balance. It's a good form of exercise and you don't really have to be a top runner, swimmer or cyclist to enjoy it," she said.

Moreover, she can cycle on her own when her friends are not free. It can be just her, the road and fresh air.

She also hopes her hometown Miri can have a cycling park for children and youths, saying it can even be a family cycling park.

She had been enjoying cycling as a form of exercise with her friends in Miri years ago. And now, she is very disappointed there are no cycling clubs in Miri.

Great expectations

Mirian businessman SP Chin has great expectations. He foresees opportunities for Back Packers' Hostels to take part in cycling tours around Miri area.

In fact, Miri has some outlets where bicycle rentals are available. Some of the tour agents will have the addresses ready for tourists on request.

Cycling is a great way to see Miri, according to an expat cycling enthusiast.

One could enjoy the scenery at one's own pace, stopping along the way to explore many attractions, he said.

"Now Miri does not have any bicycle tours although some locals are keen to take a small group of tourists on a ride to Bungai Beach or Bekenu.

"This is one way a homestay programme can attract tourists from overseas or West Malaysia."

In Kuching in June last year, a 1.75km trek was completely lit up so the public could cycle along it at night.

"This is the first lit mountain bike and jogging trek in Sarawak," Assistant Minister of Youth Development Abdul Karim Rahman Hamzah said when opening the trail.

Biking is a hobby both young and old alike can enjoy. But it's important a good cycling park be made available in Miri for this purpose.

In modern times, a concerted effort must be made to provide good facilities to bring Nature closer to the younger generation who may face health problems spending their whole lives in a concrete jungle.

With our growing concerns for obesity among the young, why not consider building cycling parks where families can spend quality time together, young people can feel happy and safe and senior citizens can reap health benefits  from biking at their own pace.

Man and Nature are meant to be together.

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Layna captivates audience with spectacular ballet

Posted: 25 Jan 2014 11:45 AM PST

by Karen Bong, reporters@theborneopost.com. Posted on January 26, 2014, Sunday

THE spectacular opening of Life in the Jungle – A Ballet 2014 by Layna Ballet Academy captivated the audience at the Old State Legislative Assembly (DUN) Complex's Concert Hall.

This recent first-ever performance of the Sarawak-themed ballet artfully combined the magic of music and dance to tell an age-old Iban legend about the creatures of the rainforest and their quest for comradeship and survival.

The show that ran for three nights was well attended and drew wide-ranging praises with audience comments that included wonderful, a triumph, stunning and amazingly high standard.

The original production was first performed in operetta format in 1984 with musical compositions by the late Datin Julia Chong under the auspices of the Social Development Ministry.

The storyline and lyrics were written by the honorary curator of beads of the Sarawak Museum Heidi Munan who is also on the committee for the 2014 production.

The audience was completely captivated by the beautiful lighting and a collection of outstanding and detailed costumes as well as set designs by practicing architect Megan Elizabeth Chalmers.

Megan created a lush rainforest backdrop and stunning portfolio of costumes from the dazzling brilliance of the vibrant fish and a multi-hued array of birds and insects to plalyful monkeys and even ethereal ghosts.

"It was rewarding to see it all come together in a profusion of colour and movement and music," Megan said.

"It was still making the Sumatran dancers' hats late into the night a few days before the shows but we got there in the end and I feel we achieved a high standard," she added.

While some lauded the beauty of ballet and the inventive way in which the chereography captured the movements of the jungle creatures, others relished the opportunity to enjoy the music of a live orchestra and a choir.

The choreography was clever, whimsical, witty, daring and humorous. Life in the Jungle is based on two Iban legends – the role of Pong Kapong (a native cuckoo bird) in pollinating jungle fruit trees and the Iban naming ritual.

Chan Lay Na said it had been "a wonderful experience for both myself and all my students. It was exhausting and demanding in many senses, but worth every bit of effort."

She noted that her more than 100 young dancers were thrilled to have been a part of the performance and a part of local performing art history.

There was also loud applause for the humorous narrators and the native dance and traditional music ensembles which complemented the ballet.

The show was also aimed at raising awareness about some of the endangered native fauna. Among the threatened species depicted in the production are the Borneo rhino and the clouded leopard.

Forty young musicians from the Sarawak Symphony Orchestra led by conductor Victor Leong accompanied the dancers and were joined by the choir of the Institute of Teaching Education, Batu Lintang campus with vocals, under the directors, Tun Awang Hambali Awang Hamdan and Chong Pek Lin.

The Institute of Teaching Education also provided Iban and Sumatran dancers to complement the ballet dance elements as well as musicians to play traditional native musical instruments.

At the finale performance, organising chairperson Mike Lim took the opportunity to thank all those involved in the production.

Life in the Jungle ran for three performances, starting with Family Night on Jan 17, Gala Black Tie Night the night before and a Finale Night on Jan 18.

Proceeds from the show were divided among three charitable bodies – the Sarawak Kidney Association, the Community Based Rehabilitation Centre, Kuching, and the Kuching Society for the Urban Poor (Skup).

Seeing the power of youth right here in Kuching was something highly gratifying for all.

Indeed, the uplifting final refrain from the song – Life in Sarawak is the life for me – left the audience with that sentiment very much at heart.

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The jungle at night

Posted: 25 Jan 2014 11:30 AM PST

by Mary Margaret. Posted on January 26, 2014, Sunday

THE silence and the darkness of the tree-shrouded path at Camp Permai Rainforest Resort were shattered.

About 90 two-legged creatures armed with torchlights, mosquito repellent and cameras swarmed out of the conference room ready for an adventurous introduction into the night jungle world.

However, were the creatures of the night jungle ready to face the two-legged ones?

A large spider of undetermined species had staked out a leaf along a well-travelled trail for the night, probably hoping for prey to appear and then it would capture the prey from the depth of the darkness hiding its dark brown body.

However, the predator became the prey of the flashing lights. It stayed put. It didn't move. The flashing camera lights must have disturbed its night vision, but still it remained – a stationary model for the visitors.

Night predators, such as this spider, tend to stay in one place even when surrounded by flashing lights. They hunt by camouflage and the night provides the cover.

Spiders, like scorpions, are air-breathing arthropods with eight legs. An estimated 40,000 spider species inhabit all corners of the world except Antarctica.

All spiders, except one species, are predators that prey on – depending on their size (ranging from two millimetres to hand-size) – tiny insects, ants, spiders and birds.

Most spiders also spin webs designed to catch and subdue prey. Young spiders have been seen to eat nectar, and the extent of this habit is relatively unknown as they are predominantly nocturnal.

The noisy crowd and the bright lights dissipated down the trail to the next victim. The large brown spider, with relief, slid back into the darkness, waiting for the next unsuspecting visitor.

Meanwhile, gasps of disbelief filled the night, an angle headed lizard, sure of its cover, had not fled into the darkness. In a flash, flashing lights surrounded it; it was penned in by light.

The greyish brown lizard with the upright crest should have been hidden as is clung to the tree trunk, but it was spotted by the sharp-eyed guide who then pointed it out to his charges. We were enthralled and wanted desperately to take memories in pictures to the security of our homes.

Angle headed lizards (Gonocephalus sp) are members of the Agamidae family. These lizards, sometimes called dragons, eat ants, spiders and insects. They are truly magnificent creatures.

This lizard, like the spider, must have gratefully slid back to darkness when the lights flitted down the trail.

Our guide Hans has a knack for locating snakes, and on the walk, he located a Malaysian pit viper draped around a fork in a bush. We, of course, marvelled at the vivid lime green diamond pattern of this potentially dangerous animal.

But despite taking on the role of jungle paparazzi, we stayed out of striking range. The colours, the flexibility and its calmness only increased our respect and knowledge that we were privileged to be there and to see this dangerously beautiful creature first-hand.

The trek, the lights and the hushed whispers gradually moved along. The Malaysian pit viper, like the other creatures, slid back into the darkness.

The next star was a gliding/flying lizard. Questions were raised about the species. Which of the seven Draco species that, like the angle headed lizard, are members of the Agamidae family, did it belong to?

These subtly coloured lizards spread a thin flap of skin that is attached to their fore and back legs and then glide off. Identification is through colouring, but the one we saw was a bit brownish and was cleverly hidden until the lights unearthed it.

The walk was almost over. We scrambled across a boulder-strewn dry (or mostly dry) stream-bed and came up onto the Camp Permai Resort path that edges the South China Sea. The two-legged jungle paparazzi fled towards the comfort of the light.

Some stragglers took the slow boat back to light. Along the path, when we looked up, a dozing bird had fluffed its grey and white feathers and sought cover under a large leaf.

It clung to the end of a small twig even while it slept. We were told that this is a safety precaution, because it would be jolted awake if the twig moved and it fell.

The tiny bird was lost in sleep and it seemed that we should follow.

The remarkable walk was one of the many activities organised as part of the Santubong Nature Festival, which was held last November. There will be a second one this year.

The objectives of this event are to:

  1.  Raise public awareness of the priceless natural and historical – local and global – heritage value of the Santubong Peninsula;
  2. Advocate for a holistic and integrated approach to development and management of the area safeguarding its unique landscape, biodiversity and historical assets;
  3. Showcase the tourism and recreational potential of the natural and cultural values of the Santubong Peninsula;
  4. Stimulate reflection on responsible and sustainable further management of the peninsula and its surroundings.

The hugely popular jungle walk definitely enabled the participants to learn more and to experience another world.

For more information on the Santubong Nature Festival and to view pictures log onto the Malaysian Nature Society Kuching Branch's blog at mnskuching.blogspot.com or www.facebook.com/mnskb or email mnskuching@gmail.com.

The Malaysian Nature Society
Established in the 1940, the Malaysian Nature Society is the oldest scientific and non-governmental organisation in Malaysia. Our mission is 'to promote the study, appreciation, conservation and protection of Malaysia's nature heritage'. Our 5,000-strong membership, spread across 12 branches nationwide, come from all walks of life, bound by a common interest in nature. For further information on membership or our activities in Kuching, call Kwan on 019-8349499. For information on our activities in Miri, call Nazeri Abghani on 085-453185. You can also visit www.mns.org.my or http://mnskuching@blogspot.com.

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The truth about emotional affairs

Posted: 25 Jan 2014 10:31 AM PST

by Monika Lewis. Posted on January 26, 2014, Sunday

Emotional relationships venture into dangerous territory. They may not initially lead to physical involvement, but they can still devastate marriages.

IT might have started with a conversation over the Internet, or with a seemingly innocent friendship in the workplace. Maybe it began as an uncomplicated thought: Unlike my spouse, this person really understands me. What can it hurt? I need a little excitement in my life.

These romances may seem harmless — perhaps even "safe" alternatives to cheating on your spouse. The truth is,such relationships venture into dangerous territory; they may not initially lead to physical involvement but can still devastate marriages.

Not just a harmless romance

"A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships," asserts the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

The statement is backed up by alarming statistics conducted through a national poll. While the findings showed 15 per cent of married women and 25 per cent of married men have had sexual affairs, it was also revealed an additional 20 per cent of married couples have been impacted by emotional infidelity.

Impact of the Internet

Traditionally, the workplace has provided the most potential for extramarital affairs. Now, online chat rooms have opened the floodgates for other opportunities to develop romantic entanglements.

"The Internet is a dangerous place," said Jim Vigorito, PhD, a licensed psychologist.

"People can begin (a relationship) at an innocuous level and then it can progress to something more."

What starts out as an emotional outlet can often lead a person down a slippery slope. Because the World Wide Web entices users with the lure of anonymity, one may be more prone to share personal issues with others — issues that they wouldn't normally talk about in person. With barriers down, a deep level of emotional intimacy can develop between two people quickly.

Not just 'innocent fun'

As prevalent as these affairs are becoming, they are not always easily identified or even seen as harmful. One reason lies in the lesser degree, or absence of, guilt and shame that often accompany extramarital sexual encounters.

The spouse entangled in the relationship may justify it as innocent fun due to the lack of physical contact. The impact this may have on a marriage varies according to the couple.

In Vigorito's opinion, to women, the betrayal of emotional infidelity can be as debilitating as that of physical infidelity. Even though physical boundaries have not been crossed, "you're taking your best communication outside of your marriage, and then there's not much left to

bring to your spouse."

Contributing factors and warning signs

A number of factors can lead to having an emotional affair. Certainly, communication or conflict resolution issues can lure a spouse to look for companionship elsewhere.

Extramarital relationships can also attract those wanting to escape stressful situations, pressure and responsibility associated with family. And as with other temptations like pornography, the pursuit of fantasy undermines the presence of reality.

So how can you recognise an emotional affair? These signs may indicate a relationship has gone too far:

  • You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex.
  • You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him/her than you do with your spouse.
  • You start comparing him/her to your spouse and begin listing why your spouse doesn't add up.
  • You long for, and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.
  • You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him/her.
  • You feel the need to keep conversations or activities involving him/her a secret from your spouse.
  • You fantasise about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him/her.
  • You spend significant time alone with him/her.
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