Helping the poor to help themselves BorneoPost Online | Borneo , Malaysia, Sarawak Daily News » thesundaypost - New 2 Borneo |
- Helping the poor to help themselves
- A visit to last a lifetime
- Sowing the seeds of transformation
- Santubong Nature Festival 2013
- The new workplace romance
| Helping the poor to help themselves Posted: 23 Nov 2013 11:46 AM PST by Geryl Ogilvy Ruekeith, reporters@theborneopost.com. Posted on November 24, 2013, Sunday WHILE lending a hand to the poor, the Society for Kuching Urban Poor (Skup) is sometimes told by donors that the very people it is trying to help are lazy and laid back. But the charitable body believes not all the needy are adverse to earning their keep and those it is helping are keen to stand on their own feet and not just depend on hand-outs. In fact, through the efforts of Skup, a number of poor families can now fend for themselves. Rather than looking for free meals all the time, they have learnt to provide their own. For example, out of about 60 families who participated in the recent Meal Programme of Skup, some 20 have since declined its help, having risen above the poverty line and are now able to support themselves. Happy with the positive development, Skup chairman Kapitan Peter Wong Hung Huang said: "I'm here to say the poor are respectable and honourable people. Most times, it's unfortunate they are victims of circumstances." He added that in the short term, Skup would continue to help needy households through its Meal and Adult Skills Training programmes. "Our long-term goal is to help at least one child per squatter or hard core poor family acquire higher education" Wong disclosed at opening of the 1Azam (akhiri zaman miskin) Skills Training Centre (for adults) last week. Welfare, Women and Family Development Minister Datuk Fatimah Abdullah officiated at the event. The setting up of the Skills Training Centre jointly with the Welfare, Women and Family Development Ministry through its 1Azam Eradicating Poverty Programme this year, will further boost the efforts of Skup in reaching out to the poor. Occupying two shop lots at Jalan Nanas Barat, the centre provides training for sewing and courses for making pastry (baking). Since its inception in 2009, Skup has been helping the poor and destitute in Kuching with food rations and education subsidies, at the same time, trying to inculcate in them a sense of independence and self-reliance. It started with the "One Meal Per Day" programme for some 300 families in and around the city, and later introduced a tuition programme to help under-privileged children cope with their studies. Some 100 people have volunteered as tutors. Among the biggest beneficiaries of Skup programmes are the poor communities of Kampung Kudei, Sungei Maong, Batu Kawah and Kampung Tabuan. Wong stressed Skup will help as many hardcore poor families as possible to break out of the poverty cycle, noting that the establishment of the 1Azam Skills Training Centre will reinforce such an effort. He called on society as a whole to extend a much needed hand to the poor communities. "I want to defend the poor. Sometimes, our donors tell us the poor are lazy. Well, I'm here to say the poor are respectable people. Unfortunately, most of the time, they are caught in a situation beyond their control," he reiterated. Escaping poverty The ministry's 1Azam programme (in collaboration with Skup) aims to yank hard up families out of the poverty trap. And it's starting to show results. For one of the beneficiaries, Zaiton Kom, setting up a small cake and pastry business after completing her training by the end of December is her immediate goal. The mother of seven sees the programme as lifeline to a brighter future for the family and is determined to make the most out of it. Signing up in October, the 41-year-old is confident she could still improve her new skills acquired just a month into training. "I'm happy with my progress. As a housewife, I'm proud of what I have achieved thus far. But I can still improve. Upon completing this programme, I'm confident I can work and make money to give my family a better life. "Housewives and single mothers should join this programme to improve themselves and become independent," she said. Zaiton's husband and their second and third children are working as general and construction workers. Her fourth to seventh children are still schooling while the eldest, a daughter, is married. After her training, she hopes the 1Azam programme will provide the equipment to help her start a small business. She also plans to continue improving her skills in making cakes and pastries once she runs her own business. Zaiton's aspiration is shared by sewing trainees Selah Jelapang and Deren Jilon, both from Kampung Kudei. Selah is a mother of four and works as a cleaner. Her husband is a security guard and their older children volunteer with Skup. Deren is a housewife and has three children. Her husband works as a construction worker. Selah plans to start a joint sewing business with her fellow trainees, doing tailoring and ironing for a start. "After completing this course, we plan to continue working on our skills, especially in tailoring. We hope to expand our services in time to come, but most importantly, we will work together to help each other out," Selah said, adding that one of the course projects was making blankets. Meanwhile, Deren, like Zaiton, hopes the 1Azam programme will provide the equipment to help successful trainees venture into business. 1Azam Skills Training Centre A total of 50 trainees participated in the first programme, introduced last October. Half went for the pasty course while the remainders took up sewing. Participants were from the low income group in the city, earning less than RM920 per month per household. Each course, lasting two months, was conducted in two sessions from Monday to Friday. The object is to help the participants acquire a life skill so that they could support their families either through employment or their own business which can be an individual or a joint venture (with fellow graduates). Community leaders are urged to notify and encourage villagers and residents from poor households to apply for the course. Participants need to register with e-Kasih to qualify. The course is free and allowances are given to cover food, logistics and daily spending. Extra modules for interested participants on topics such as financial literacy, business management and product marketing are also provided. The centre has two trained staff to look after the children of the participants during training. Evaluation will made before graduation and prizes will be awarded the top five trainees. The next intake is scheduled for Dec 5 this year. Participants can opt to join either the morning or afternoon sessions. For more information, contact Bernadette Geikie (013-8181649 or 082-243700), Anna Lau (017-8082629), Helena Biri (013-5677598), Leeza Samy (014-5972474) or Nurlela Abdullah (014-6903464).  To enable your comment to be published, please refrain from vulgar language, insidious, seditious or slanderous remarks. This includes vulgar user names.  |
| Posted: 23 Nov 2013 11:40 AM PST by Chang Yi, reporters@theborneopost.com. Posted on November 24, 2013, Sunday IT happened to be our team's free day for members to do something they really liked during our Taiwan study tour. My friend and I really wanted to see the Lin Yutang House. But the House in Yang Mingsan in Taipeh is closed on Mondays. To save the situation, we trekked up the Yang Ming San, saw the lava lake and had a good lunch of mountain vegetables and mushrooms. Not to be disappointed, my friend and I went again on Wednesday, having to sacrifice a day's exciting team itinerary. We took the Metro, then the local bus to our destination. It was a good one-hour ride from our Minsu (B & B). Along the way, we breathed in the Taipeh air, still fresh from the rain brought by Typhoon Trami. The Lin Yutang house is a splendid fusion of Chinese and Spanish style architecture with indigo blue roofs, a white-washed walled house, built on a ridge, right on the main road and overlooking Taipeh. What a splendid view Lin and his family must have had of the city from the balcony. The fragrance of jasmine and other flowers greeted us as we entered the gate. I was dreamily hoping for the aroma of good tobacco from a pipe. The house was planned by Lin himself, a multi- talented man, in 1966. A well-known local architect Wang Da-hong undertook the construction. The house has a Mediterranean feel, according to a government brochure. Writers and critics have called Lin a true renaissance man. He was an inventor (Chinese fast typewriter, automatic toothbrush, automatic bridge playing machine, automatic door lock, English typing keyboard), a writer, a philosopher, a thinker and an educationist. The list is long. The courtyard in his residence has a small fish pond. Koi continue to swim peacefully under the shade of the bamboo — a plant he loved. This must have given him a lot of peace and joy during the last 10 years of his life. The staff are kind to visitors who streamed in, some in pairs, others in groups. The enthusiastic tours indicate how much the staff love working here for Lin Yutang House. The Café, manned by two very educated and knowledgeable young girls, is a splendid set up. The menu is excellent and so is the food. The library or conference hall on the left contains copies of his books and they fill up one whole wall of glass-doored shelves, giving us a very 60's feel. I first read one of his books — My People, My Country — when I was in Form Four, reading literary works under the guidance of a China-born English teacher. The teacher had achieved his objective to inspire his Sara-wakian students that a non- native speaker of English could excel in English like LYT. I continued to read his works (whichever and whenever I could lay my hands on them) right into my undergraduate days even though I did not major in English literature. A sentence of his remains true in my life like a beacon which guides me as a teacher: "The aim of education or culture is merely the development of good taste in knowledge and good form in conduct." The learned man was born the seventh of a Presbyterian (Protestant) minister's eight children in Longxi on Oct 10, 1895, just a few years younger than my grandfather and many Foochows who came to Sibu in 1903. Lin loved reading and a kindly Amoy missionary, Abbe Livingston Warnshuis, sent books and pamphlets on both Christian and scientific issues to the family to encourage higher education. A few features of his life story would interest and surprise readers. His second eldest sister was his best friend. His father did not allow Mei Kung to attend college because he felt "college education for a girl was a luxury which our family simply could not afford." She married at 22 and when Lin left for college, gave him 40 cents, saying: "You are going to college. Don't waste your opportunity. Be a good man, a useful man and a famous man. That's your sister's wish for you." Just a year later, the seven months pregnant Mei Kung died of the plague. Lin strove to become not only a useful and famous person but also a fighter of injustice, especially against women. This kind of sibling influence and loyalty is most touching today. Perhaps not many people know when Lin was 10, he and his two brothers studied in Amoy at the American Reformed Mission's Yangyuan Elementary School and the Xunyuan School like so many well-educated Chinese in Malaysia and Singapore who went to Mission schools in the early 1900's. And even more interesting, but perhaps predictable — since his father was a Church minister — in 1912, he entered the Theological School of Shanghai's St John University. He excelled in athletics, and even participated in the 1916 Far Eastern Olympics in Shanghai, but he was an unorthodox scholar. And very surprisingly, to many modern scholars and teenagers who read his biographies, he often skipped classes and though he gained a reputation as an avid reader, the books he devoured often had no relation to his classes (he wrote of how he secretly read history books during a civil law class). He must have caused a lot of anguish to his teachers. Although many people would know he was nominated three times for Nobel Literature prize, he obtained his PhD in Chinese Studies in University of Jena, Leipzig, in Germany! It was Pearl S Buck, the famous American writer, who encouraged him to publish his 1935 New York Times bestseller My Country and My People. His other best seller — The Importance of living — emphasises the "spirit of reasonableness" over logic. In the past most English-educated and well-read Chinese parents and academics would encourage their Chinese students to read this book while in secondary school or university. He lived in the US from 1936 and returned to practising Christianity. However, in 1966, he decided to settle down in Taiwan. Ten years later — in March 1976 — he passed away at the age of 80. The New York Times obituary noted: Lin Yutang, poet, novelist, historian and philosopher, had no peer as an interpreter to Western minds of the customs, aspirations, fears and thoughts of his people and their country, China, the great and tragic land. As we slowly enjoyed the visit in his house, we understood his love for Yang Mingsan and his house he once described in this way: "Garden within a house, house within a garden, courtyard among rooms, trees among courtyard, sky above trees, moon in sky, is this not happiness?" Indeed, he and his wife would be happy to see two women from Sarawak sitting at the balcony, enjoying the sights the couple enjoyed. We read a few pages of his books and enjoyed his sense of humour while waiting for lunch to be served. Lin longed for the East but never quite let go of the West. He continued teaching Christian Sunday School even while delving into Chinese philosophy. Torn, he wrote in a couplet: "One mind seeks the learning of ancients and moderns. Two legs straddle the cultures of East and West." As we had lunch in the Café near the beautiful balcony, overlooking Taipeh, the couplets on red paper adorning the two door posts kept us company. The traditional costume clad waitress came and offered the two of us a wooden bucket of rice and asked us to scoop rice into each other's bowls to show mutual support in life. The simple Chinese ritual of scooping rice and the partaking of a western lunch literally brought the couplet to life! It was not easy for us to leave this wonderful Lin Yutang House after a splendid eastern-western lunch. We felt a bit sad it was our last day in Taipeh and we had to fly home soon. But our experience would last us a life time! Did I smell a waft of tobacco from someone's pipe as I left the gates? To enable your comment to be published, please refrain from vulgar language, insidious, seditious or slanderous remarks. This includes vulgar user names. |
| Sowing the seeds of transformation Posted: 23 Nov 2013 11:39 AM PST TRANSFORMATION is taking roots at a longhouse in the Skuau Resettlement area. Folks of the 16-door Rumah Meramat at KM45 along Oya Road have formed an entrepreneurial partnership with the government to plant rubber on their 400-acre Native Customary Rights (NCR) land. This is a modern technology farming scheme under the ambit of the Prime Minister's Rubber National Key Economic Area (NKEA) where the federal and state governments jointly set up agribusiness to eradicate rural poverty. Under the transformation exercise, traditionally small-scale rubber estates will be replanted or idle land opened up for large-scale agribusiness aimed at raising the income of smallholders by up to four-hundred fold. Leading the charge is a visionary leader from Rumah Meramat, Philip Seli Vincent, the first person from the longhouse to obtain a university degree from New Zealand. He is now working with a corporate body but his heart is with his people. And he has returned to lead them on the path to modern economic transformation and will act as their point-man in liaising with the government. Philip told thesundaypost: "After lobbying for nearly three years, we have succeeded. The government is bringing in the fully-sponsored Rubber NKEA to our village." The corporate officer said the longhouse people had been living for generations as farmers and were poor. They farmed to feed their families and sold what little leftovers to cover daily necessities. His late father, Vincent Usan Bilong, then a longhouse chieftain at Karangan Ringgin near their current Skuau Resettlement, was also a rubber cultivator in the late 1950's. "With a hoe and rubber seeds, provided by the colonial government, in his baskets, he tilled the land," Philip recalled. He said due lack of equipment and government aid, his father could open up only about 15 acres. "It's a different story now. The government is helping us to fully ultilise our 400 acres." When he first learned of the Rubber NKEA scheme three years ago, Philip called for a meeting with the 50 landowners in his longhouse to hear their views and draw up a plan based on the feedback gathered. According to him, their application to participate in the scheme was submitted, together with a parameter map, to the state's Agriculture Department after the meeting. It was approved earlier this year and a tender was awarded to a contractor in March. The contractor started the nursery in April and in late July, the bulldozers moved to clear the land. Philip said they are complying strictly with the government's policy to forbid slash-and-burn for environmental protection, adding that the forest debris were shoveled into pockets of land in the estate instead of burning them. He disclosed under the scheme, the state government would appoint a contractor to open up their land, terrace the hills and plant higher-yield rubber trees. "The contractor will manage the estate for five years. Come the first harvest, we will look after the estate," he added. In August and September, replanting started on about 125 acres. The contractor is now planting the remaining 215 acres. Philip is praying for rain because the young shoots need plenty of water. He said in the heartland of Central Sarawak now stands a vast rubber plantation, costing RM1.7 million to set up and fully funded by the government. "This is a successful smart partnership between the people and the government," he acknowledged. The Rumah Meramat community have thanked the government and Deputy Chief Minister Datuk Patinggi Tan Sri Alfred Jabu Numpang, who is also Modernisation of Agriculture Minister, for spearheading the Rubber NKEA initiative in Sarawak. Philip said the people in his longhouse had been living in poverty and cut from the world deep in the forest for generations. "Our longhouse community was born in 1850 with 60 families at nearby Penyau in Upper Oya River. Our forefathers led a nomadic life because of tribal trouble. "During the Brooke era, our community moved down from Penyau to Wong Pelandok in the 1930's by government order because of the Kacau Kendawang uprising." Philip said some of the longhouse folks had rebelled against the taxation policy of the government. In 1945, their community moved to Kerangang Ringgin where his father started a small-scale rubber estate. In 1972, they had to move again for security reason due to the communist insurgency. "The government grouped the longhouse communities at the current Skuau Resettlement," he said. Philip recalled life was harsh back then. There were no roads, no means of communication – they were all by themselves. "Our forefathers only had sampans. The nearest town was Dalat." He said the longhouse folks had to row downstream for a week to reach the coastal town and the trip back took another week. "Our forefathers went there to sell jungle products like rattan in exchange for some daily necessities. For them, household goods were expensive. If they returned with salt, cooking oil and other basic necessities from Dalat, they would be envied by others." Philip said schooling was unheard of until the Catholic Mission opened St Mathew's School in 1953. He added that after the formation of Malaysia, the government moved in to help and educate the longhouse children. "Our young now have up to secondary education. For those excelling in academic studies, they continue with higher education." Philip himself went for overseas studies at Otago University, New Zealand, sponsored by the government. He returned with a bachelor's degree in commerce. He said there were now three degree holders in his longhouse – two more in local universities will also receive their degrees. "Our people are enjoying better living standards now. We have among us a principal, school teachers, kindergarten teachers and others holding government posts or working in the private sector. We no longer have to row sampan for a week to reach the nearest town. Sibu is just a 50-minute drive away." Philip noted the government is helping to "lift them up further" through the Rubber NKEA scheme. He recalled when the contractor and his workers arrived in July, they found it difficult to enter the area as there were no roads – reminiscent of the time their forefathers were cut off from the outside world. "Since they could not move their heavy machines in by sampan, they bulldozed their way through thick undergrowth and rough terrain from a logging road in Sebintik. It took them two days to get through. It was a painstaking effort." Philip said presently, the people from his longhouse went to the project site by sampans, navigating through the shallow stream from Nanga Skuau. "During the dry spell, it takes one and half hours to reach the site because the people have to alight and push the sampan at certain shallow parts of the stream." Despite the challenges, Philip hails the Rubber NKEA scheme as a timely life-changing initiative for the longhouse community. He said although they were still five years away from the first harvest, they had already begun to "feel the economic spinoffs." "The contractor has provided our people with land clearing jobs. In the next five years, they will also have income as the contractor is hiring them to manage the estate." However, Philip foresees a problem – how to reach the plantation when Rubber NKEA has turned their land into a successful agribusiness? "We cannot imagine a major agribusiness in the country being totally cut off from the outside world like what happened to our forefathers in the colonial days." He said he had appealed to the government to build a road – linked up with a bridge – to their estate. The proposed project, expected to cost RM9 million, is a 7km overland link from nearby Rantau Nyumboh. "The application to the Prime Minister's Department has been approved in principle. In fact, we are happy the federal government has allocated RM23.9 billion for rural infrastructure development from 2011 to 2014. Our area has received funding from this allocation for the road and bridge to our agribusiness site," Philip revealed. The budding entrepreneurial community of Rumah Meramat has appealed for this infrastructure to be built as soon as possible in support the Rubber NKEA scheme. Philip said the road-bridge link will support not only their agribusiness as the longhouse folks in Sungai Pakoh and Ulu Oya will also stand to benefit. According to him, there are 15 longhouses in Pakoh and eight in Ulu Oya and the proposed link will benefit 1,000 residents from 200 families in both areas. "Our village is looking forward to the full implementation of Rubber NKEA for a prosperous Malaysia by 2020. This is a success story of cooperation in development between the people and the government," he said. What is Rubber National Key Economic Area? RUBBER NKEA is the country's transformation effort led Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Abdul Razak to lift Malaysia's economic status and the living standards of the people by 2020. It aims to transform a traditionally small-scale production-based sector into a large-scale agribusiness through technology transfer. The scheme is a replanting and new planting programme to take the edge of global market competition where rubber has become a hot commodity again. This visionary transformation of the nation has come in time because rubber cultivation has made a serious comeback in Southeast Asia, where favourable climate and other conditions make it home for the investment. Numerous major industry players have invested heavily in the cultivation in Southeast Asia and Africa. Malaysia is fully prepared. To boost yield, they will supply high-yielding and quality planting materials to the cultivators. Some initiatives undertaken include the verification of clones at source bush nurseries, the establishment of Malaysian Rubber Budwood Centres (MRBC) and the adoption Good Agricultural Practices (GAP). Rubber NKEA targets to plant 1.2 million hectares of rubber trees in the country to achieve a national average yield of 2,000 kg per hectare annually by 2020. The investment is expected to produce two million tonnes of latex annually, and through rubber downstream activities, the industry will contribute up to RM52.9 billion in terms of Gross National Income (GNI). Another of its target is to boost the natural rubber glove industry's global market share from 62 per cent in 2011 to 65 per cent by 2020, growing at 13 per cent annually to maintain Malaysia's dominance as the world's biggest producer of rubber gloves. In Sarawak, the state government is taking the initiative with the Federal Government. An estimate of some 350,000 rural folks is expected to enjoy better income by 2015 through this commitment. These investors from the heartland of Sarawak represent 30 per cent of the state's rural population. They are expected to develop some 250,000 hectares. The state government's strategy is to replant existing estates with high-yielding rubber clones while opening up other land as new estates. The project is expected to involve a whopping RM800 million worth of planting materials to set up 200,000 hectares by 2021. This will open business opportunities for rural entrepreneurs. Deputy Chief Minister Tan Sri Alfred Jabu who is also Agricultural Modernisation Minister and Rural Development Minister, said: "Our planning under Rubber NKEA needs to be constructive and objective with the people to achieve our target in 2020." To enable your comment to be published, please refrain from vulgar language, insidious, seditious or slanderous remarks. This includes vulgar user names. |
| Santubong Nature Festival 2013 Posted: 23 Nov 2013 11:24 AM PST by Mary Margaret. Posted on November 24, 2013, Sunday SANTUBONG Mountain was the centre of attention during the two-day inaugural Santubong Nature Festival. I hope that you travelled the 45 minutes from Kuching to the Santubong Peninsula to take in nature and the atmosphere of celebration, as well as participate in the walks and talks. Kuching North Datuk Bandar Datuk Abang Abdul Wahab Abang Julai stated during the opening ceremony that it is vital for the Santubong Peninsula to be preserved and indicated support for future festivals. The hugely popular Saturday afternoon talks began with the geology of the peninsula, the plants and butterflies and moths and then the people with talks on Santubong's Stonehenge, Chinese settlement and Alfred Russel Wallace. But it was the walks that drew the crowd. The Santubong Heritage Walk led visitors back into the past, to a time when Santubong was a thriving port and had an iron smelting industry. Theories on the disappearance of the population were explored. The short 1.5-hour Nature Walks led by a botanist and forest ecologist introduced the mysteries and enlightened us on the Dipterocarp forests that once dominated the forest landscape. The turnout for the evening events was a surprise. The forest landscape was explored in day and night. A small group of photographers captured this exotic landscape but many visitors were enthralled by creatures of the night. These creatures hunt by surprise and they were probably surprised that their hunting grounds were invaded by two-legged creatures who insisted on flashing bright lights. The night hunters generally stayed still, thinking that the camouflage would eventually work, but a couple of lizards took off to the tops of the trees. Many took to the seas to either watch nature's electric lights – fireflies – or kayak into the sunset. Sunday dawned and a group of bikers raced through time looking for clues. They left Permai, cycled through Santubong searching for the unknown and then returned. Meanwhile the talks and walks continued. In addition to the events held at Permai Rainforest Resort, visitors to the Santubong Peninsula took part in an eco-fashion show, or danced the night away in support of the Malaysian Nature Society and the Sarawak Society for the Prevention to Cruelty to Animals at Damai Central. The objectives of the event were to:
Were these objectives met – yes. Plus we had fun and met new friends while learning more about the mystical magical Santubong. For more information on the Santubong Nature Festival or to view pictures go to the Malaysian Nature Society Kuching Branch's blog or www.facebook.com/mnskb. You can also email mnskuching@gmail.com. This festival was co-organised by the Kuching Branch of the Malaysian Nature Society and Permai Rainforest Resort with support from Limkokwing Borneo, Sarawak Museum Department, Sarawak Photo Art Society, Friends of Sarawak Museum and Sarawak Heritage Society. The Malaysian Nature Society To enable your comment to be published, please refrain from vulgar language, insidious, seditious or slanderous remarks. This includes vulgar user names. |
| Posted: 23 Nov 2013 11:21 AM PST by Rob Moll. Posted on November 24, 2013, Sunday The workplace is the No. 1 spot for married individuals to meet affair partners BUDDING workplace relationships are causing a "crisis of infidelity". Today's workplace has become the No. 1 spot for married individuals to meet affair partners. More men and women are breaking their marriage vows by engaging in office friendships that slowly become romantic relationships — relationships that would have been socially impossible just 20 years ago. As the boundaries that once separated the sexes crumble, so do the boundaries that protect marriage. In her book Not 'Just Friends', Dr Shirley Glass writes: "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realising that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two per cent of the 210 unfaithful partners I've treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, 'just a friend'." From 1991 to 2000, Glass discovered in her practice that 50 per cent of the unfaithful women and about 62 per cent of unfaithful men she treated were involved with someone from work. "Today's workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity," Glass writes. Today's careers offer more opportunity for extramarital affairs. Group interaction in co-ed workplaces, frequent travel and long hours create more opportunity and temptation than ever. Glass writes, "all of these changes and others allow individuals to mix freely where once they were segregated and restricted". New kind of affair A different work environment has spawned a different kind of affair. Glass said the old idea of workplace romance between a powerful company executive and his single young secretary no longer reflects today's office relationship. The new infidelity occurs between peers who first become emotionally attached, having no thought of physical involvement. Men and women who work closely together under stressful conditions can quickly become attracted to each other. They often share interests and think nothing of spending time over coffee or lunch getting to know one another. Nevertheless, lunch between married friends, no matter what their intentions, can have unanticipated and dangerous consequences. One researcher calls this new kind of affair the 'cup of coffee' syndrome. Men and women begin with safe marriages at home and friendships at work. As they regularly meet for coffee breaks and lunch, these relationships develop into deep friendships. Co-workers come to depend on these coffee rendezvous, and soon they have emotional work friendships and crumbling marriages. Oddly, men and women in these workplace romances believe it is wrong to have an affair. According to Glass, affair partners are usually happy in their marriages and have no plans to leave their spouses. Because of the gradual slide towards infidelity, partners do not pay attention to their behaviour until they have already damaged their marriages, and sex is often the last sign that the marriage partner has been betrayed. Protecting the marriage Though today's workplace offers more opportunity for extramarital relationships, it is not opportunity that is causing the workplace to become such a hotspot of infidelity. Healthy marriages must have proper boundaries. "In a committed relationship, a couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them," Glass writes. Referring to a particular couple, she adds, "The problem wasn't that they were attracted, but that they began to act on their feelings as if they had no other primary commitments." Good intentions are not enough to protect a marriage from the temptations in today's workplace, to which both men and women fall prey. It is natural to feel an attraction toward someone of the opposite sex, even in happy marriages. But when a man neglects his primary responsibility and allows himself to act on an instinctive attraction — even in his thoughts — he has already violated his marriage vows. Though many factors can play a role in causing infidelity, it always requires attraction, opportunity, and failure to follow precautions. Glass provides some basic rules to help avoid the new infidelity: • Don't allow yourself to think about being with another person, because thoughts lead to actions. •Don't flirt, because it tells others you are available. •Stay away from dangerous situations, because everyone can be tempted. Positive friendships, proper boundaries Boundaries should always exist outside the marriage relationship and never inside. One way to make sure that your boundaries are in the right place is to always be accountable to your partner. Use a shared email address and contact each other throughout the day. Be open with your spouse about work friendships, and even invite work friends to your home for dinner. By maintaining openness inside the marriage and boundaries outside, you will help keep your marriage happy and healthy. Friends can provide great encouragement and accountability in your marriage. All of your friends should be friends of your marriage, too. We shouldn't be exclusive in our friendships with our partners. A marriage is strengthened when you have other strong, supportive friendships in your lives. Too many couples turn exclusively to their marriage for friendship. No matter what kind of friendships you have, they should always help strengthen your marriage. When couples observe proper boundaries, their marriages are secure, open and comforting. Then, friendships pose no danger. Marriage works best when it enters every corner of life. Secrecy and infidelity are impossible when we are completely transparent within our marriage. This transparency not only protects our marriage from harm on the outside, it keeps our marriage happiest on the inside. To enable your comment to be published, please refrain from vulgar language, insidious, seditious or slanderous remarks. This includes vulgar user names. |
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